After spending a couple weeks with THE WIZARD, I came to know and even appreciate all the little things - his ticks (humming constantly), fashion sense (Air Jordans no matter what the occasion), coffee preference (expensive beans, cream & organic sugar), his politics ('Obama annoys me'), hygiene (one shower per week tops) and most of all, the way he talks.
THE WIZARD's fucked up teeth and big lips create a lisp/whistle/mumble that make listening to him speak both challenging and endearing. He has the combination of common sense and life experience that makes even the most basic statements seem wise, however his vocabulary is limited to the following adjectives: rad, sick, lame, fucking, and harsh. And keeping with the surfer theme, all sentences are peppered with: like, you know, i mean, and totally. He has no reservations when it comes to dirty talk - anal sex is discussed at full volume in the supermarket. And regardless of the circumstances, I am addressed as Dude at all times.
On new year's eve, we played cards at the dining room table while waiting for cookies to bake. After I'd won the third game in a row, he took the cards out of my hand and with little effort, slipped his hands under my thighs and hoisted me onto the table.
HIM: Dude, it's almost the New Year and I love fucking you. I want to fuck you on this table and I don't want to fuck anybody else. Is that cool?
ME: Is what cool? Fucking on the table?
HIM: Well, yeah. But is it cool that I only want to fuck you? And then, you know, I kind of hope you only want to fuck me.
ME: What?
HIM: Just try to keep it in your fucking pants, okay? I think you're totally rad, so like, don't fuck it up by sucking some other guy's dick. Got it?
ME: Okay.
HIM: Dude, you are totally my girlfriend now.
