Urge To Merge

Remember ELLIOT? The friend of a friend who made me laugh a lot? We stopped making out, and a friendship seamlessly began…or so I thought. In recent weeks he’s been very flirtatious. I took it as a friendly gesture until today when he invited me to go to a show with him tonight by saying, “I am wooing you again. Go out with me.” With winter approaching, it is all too tempting to nest with a familiar character.

Apparently I am not the only one with this thought. Single people are rabid in this weather! Everyone is wearing their best outfit at all times, going out every night, and admitting their crushes within earshot of their crushes.

I must admit, I love every second of it. Not only am I enjoying the extra attention, but this big game of musical chairs is exciting to watch.

My sights are mildly set on NIELS [the artist living in France], but am entertaining mating season just a little…there’s a new guy at work I’ve been winking at here and there. And ELLIOT's advances are not entirely lost on me.

Bonjour!

Over the weekend I went dancing with friends. Midway through the evening, the beautiful NIELS approached me and thanked me for the muffins.

NIELS & I were introduced by my coworker a week ago, and the following night I attended a birthday party that turned out to be his. When I arrived with muffins, I was pleasantly surprised to see him. But at the birthday party, we hardly spoke. He was broody and pretty and I avoided him accordingly.

When I ran into him again this weekend, we made eyes until he finally approached with a positive review of my muffins. Turns out he is an artist temporarily living in France, and is likeable despite this fact. He also laughed at my jokes, which of course makes him adorable.

At the end of the night, we shared multiple hugs and cheek-kisses. Phone numbers were exchanged and promises were made, regarding his visit next month. Until then, I relentlessly fantasize.

Her

The other night MALCOM & I hung out and somehow we ended up discussing her. MALCOM told me a few facts about the breakup and how things had been going since, that he feels good about moving forward, and then it slipped right out of his mouth: “I don’t know if we’ll end up back together...”

He went on to say a few other things without skipping a beat. He may not have heard himself say it. Then a few sentences later he did it again: “I can’t say for sure if we will stay apart.”

Then he stopped looking me in the eye. I pretended I didn’t hear it - Just continued the conversation, eventually left his place, and have not called him since. I ran into him last night, and the guilt between us was palpable, yet neither apologized. We hugged and had some friendly small talk, and then I avoided him most of the evening. When he asked if he could take me home at the end of the night I said no, but I let him give me a goodbye kiss that lasted longer than one between friends should.

The Nurse

I am the first person MALCOM [almost-divorced dad] has been with since her. Very often, these back-on-the-market guys are interested in meeting new people, staying out late, and casual sex. But that quickly wears off and they want the predictability of a relationship, along with the consistent sex. So they rush into something with the first girl who excites them, which in most cases is me.

I have been with a large number of these men. They break up with their woman of 5+ years, and come over to me within a week. Either word has actually gotten around town that I am the Breakup Nurse, or I send out some kind of I’ll-make-it-all-better vibes. I think it’s the latter. I patiently listen to their stories of how horrible she was, and accept their inability to maintain an erection. After they go move their stuff out of her place, I listen to heartbreaking details and tell them they are going to be okay. In other words, I am a friend.

I realize that I gravitate toward these guys as much as they do to me. It is an overused term, but they are “emotionally unavailable.” And maybe I like that. Rarely is The Rebound the one they settle down with. Something about this fact gives me great comfort, which makes me…psychotic?

It's Not A Big Deal. It Happens To Every Guy.

After his kid went to bed, I went over to MALCOM’s [the almost-divorced dad] to watch movies, cuddle on the couch and eventually discuss our situation. It was agreed that we ought to take things slow, hang out once in a while, be casual, and definitely not rush into sex. About three minutes after he said, “I would like to wait awhile,” he was feverishly unbuttoning my blouse while I pulled his belt out of his jeans so fast that it knocked over a lamp.

We went into his room, and the calamity continued. For starters, the door had to be left open, “in case the kid wakes up (What? We want the kid to see Daddy and the Strange Lady?).” I got over this after seeing MALCOM’s adorable body clad in underoo-style briefs. After tearing those suckers off, everything moved pretty fast. We were excited…until he stopped being excited.

In case you didn't know this already, guys who have been with the same woman for a long time rarely keep it up for the new gal. The culprits vary – the way the new person's body feels, the way they kiss, the way they fuck, and mostly the ever-annoying condom. Casual sex seems real exciting til it’s numbed inside a sheath of rubber.

So. Neither of us got off, and we didn’t really care. We smiled and kissed and no one apologized. I felt fantastic…. until I went to the bathroom and sat on a potty training seat.

Hairy

Why are men trimming their pubic hair? And why (WHY) are they getting rid of it entirely? I first witnessed Manscaping many years ago when a boyfriend and his buddies decided they would all shave for the summer (for cooling purposes). I was horrified. While the penis is always bit homely when seen out of sexual context, it is just alarming when the entire location is hairless.

Of course I encourage everybody to do with their bodies what pleases them. At the end of the day, we’re all going to bone who we bone regardless of what their hoo-hoos look like. In fact, that creepy-looking lack of hair makes for easy navigation and feels pretty amazing on commando days. But isn’t there something sexy about people who let it go? When I see a poorly maintained nether region, I can’t help but imagine all the interesting books they read instead of removing body hair.

While we’re on the topic: If a guy is so into maintaining that hair, why so les efaire about that shaggy ass?

By the way, I had sex with MALCOM [the almost-divorced dad].

Three

Threesomes make great stories, and they usually offer a view into humanity that you cannot get elsewhere. But these escapades are risky, too. Aside from the awkward logistics (Who puts what where? When do I get to do that? What’s poking me?), there is the inevitable resentment that at least one person feels during and after, particularly when an established couple is involved. Somebody feels slighted and sometimes as though their mate has been unfaithful.

The first time I had sex with a girl was when her boyfriend was there too. At the time it seemed like the only way to get to her, so I agreed. I was able to pretend he wasn’t there for about 10 minutes, until his hairy arm appeared in the periphery and ruined it. Eventually they broke up and she became my girlfriend, but that threesome took a lot of romance out of our courtship. The only other threesome I had was with twin brothers, which, in hindsight, is disgusting. But they were hot and I was doing drugs. It wasn’t very satisfying, especially since the house we were in set fire shortly after we began and we had to escape out the 2nd floor window. But “I did it with the Mendoza twins” is funny cocktail party banter, if nothing else.

FLOYD [the friend who wants me to fuck his girlfriend and subsequently, himself] & I talked about the threesome a bit more after a few drinks at a very late hour. He buttered me up with compliments, and assured me that his girlfriend is ‘amazing’ in bed. But in the end I told him ‘no thanks.’ It makes for a decent story regardless.

One, Two, Three

Yes, it has been awhile. Here are the updates.

1) I have been spending time with MALCOM [recently-separated friend] here and there. We are moving at a snail’s pace, which is appropriate for now. Have I mentioned he has a baby? We have a date at Ikea this weekend, too.

2) The last time I slept with MARC BOLAN [sexy guitar man] was the morning after we slept together. The following day was his birthday, and I did not attend the party, with work as an excuse. We exchanged a few text messages for a day or so and *poof* it was done. No goodbyes, no hard feelings (that I know of). I don’t know if I have ever had such an efficient casual sex relationship. I almost want to re-meet him so we can have this perfect little arrangement all over again.

3) And the real doozy: FLOYD [the not-so-close friend who wants me to fuck his lady] is on the prowl. At first, it was a mere suggestion: “My girlfriend thinks you’re hot.” Now he’s calling a couple times a week, inviting me to 'hang out.' I avoided him til last night, when he cornered me at a bar and said “We’re friends and I have always adored you and my girlfriend is so into you. It’ll be fun and it won’t be weird.” Have I mentioned I like girls? Probably not. I like to date women, but it is rare that I do so - the good ones are usually taken or hetero. So the proposition to have sex with this beautiful woman is interesting. I’d like to know her better before considering, but it isn’t so far fetched. What is not appealing is having sex with FLOYD. I cannot imagine kissing him, much less naked and writhing around and…gross.