Phone Sex + PIZZA

Mission accomplished.

Bonding

A few years ago, VINCENT & I spent some time in his dark apartment experimenting with his deep-rooted curiosity about S&M. We met, had dinner once, and all I had to say was ‘blindfold’ and the next thing I knew I was bound to the fridge and calling him Sir.

It is a big responsibility to open up someone’s fantasies. Kink requires trust and a ton of courage. And it went well for a while, but we often had a hard time figuring out where the role playing started and ended. Things got confusing. When we broke up, he was angry, and not in the sexy pretend way. Now he ignores me, and I've blocked out our sexcapades.

He's hated me for years. I’ve tried to earn his friendship to no avail. What's worse is that my work & his cross paths often and we have been on a project together for a couple weeks. It’s been awkward to say the least.

Until....

The other night, while he was wrapping cables I suddenly remembered him awkwardly tying me up for the first time. It was so new and exciting back then and he was a natural. VINCENT caught me staring at him while he wound those cables around his fist, and I fumbled, “That’s a lot of wire,” to which he responded with a whisper: “If you’re not good, you may get strung up with it.” My mouth dropped open and he grinned at me for the first time in years.

If that's not the beginning of friendship, I don't know what is.

Phone Sex Attempt #14

As PIZZA [the tv guy] & I have gotten acquainted, I’ve learned more about his work, but have yet to see his show. He finds it hilarious that I'm not curious about the show, since he admits to googling me regularly. I’ve promised to check out his work after I get to know him better, which is going pretty well. We’re talking all the time, and making lame attempts at phone sex:

ME: I was just at the beach.
HIM: Are you wearing a bathing suit?
ME: Yep.
HIM: Don't you want to take it off?
ME: I’m at the 7-11.

The good news is that PIZZA and I will be having face-to-face (or wherever we decide to put our faces) sex in a couple weeks. The trip is booked. No turning back now (what’s a good pun to put here?).

Dirty Laundry

While riding in a friend’s car, we listened to ANDY’s [the heroin guy who says pussy and lives with somebody else I boned] new record.

ANDY & I were seeing each other when he was making the album, which is always a bad time to date someone. They can talk about little else than the record and they can be a bit cocky. And then there’s the possibility of your relationship being exploited in the songs. But I didn’t give it much thought when I was dating ANDY. I knew he’d write sweet things about me if he ever decided to use me as some sort of muse.

A few songs in, my friend turned up the volume and said, “I think this one’s about you.” I leaned in to hear the references to having sex all over house with an aloof woman and tried to ignore my friend's giggling and pointing.

Over the Phone: Attempt #1

I was watching porn the other night and I thought I ought to call up PIZZA [The long distance T.V. guy]. What better way to initiate phone sex than to announce that I'm watching porn?

ME: Hi.
HIM: Hey! what are you up to?
ME: I'm watching porn.
HIM: Whoa.... Tell me everything.
ME: Well...
HIM: Wait! [a door closes, muffled man's voice in background] I'm back. Sorry. My dad's visiting.

Whatshername

I spent the day with CAMERON. We met in the morning at a farmers’ market, where we ran into his former girlfriend and her husband.

CAMERON and the ex shared a hug that caused the front of his backpack to stab her somehow, inciting an overdramatic yelp followed by unnecessary apologies. We all recovered from this and then stood in silence, until her husband cleared his throat and I held out my hand to give whatshername a handshake and introduce myself.

She gave me a long once-over before accepting my hand. The husband asked what we were up to that day. As everyone’s responses overlapped hideously, I caught the ex-girlfriend looking me up & down again with her little lip curled. I met her glance when she got up to my eyes and smiled real big. It was probably snotty of me to do that. But then I didn't feel so bad when she spouted some all-too-serious opinions on CAMERON's facial hair.

Later that evening over dinner, I asked CAMERON what was up the ex girlfriend’s butt, and he said he was just as surprised by her blatant rudeness. “We broke up years ago. And she’s married. We are clearly over each other.” But there are some exes that don't ever fully move on, or at least that's what I'm learning.

Later he showed me his photography portfolio I'd been asking to see, which was overflowing with photos of the ex: In Japan wearing a kimono, on a mountain, just waking up, wearing a funny hat, surrounded by puppies, etc. It was disgusting, and perhaps another good reason for CAMERON & I to remain just friends.

Small World, Big Dick

JACKIE [the bartender with the big dick] pulled up next to me during my ride to work. He looked gorgeous and summery. His hair is growing out and his face is beautiful as ever, all sweaty and smiling. I thought about grabbing his face and kissing it right there in the street.

When we went out a few summers ago, we rode bikes a lot and made out at every opportunity. We kissed together quite well. But he was a bit awkward once all the clothes came off, not to mention that enormous dick. Sex was clumsy, self-conscious, and neither of us came. The biggest disappointment was his inability to talk about it. That was the dealbreaker.

The summer after I went out with JACKIE, I dated ANDY [the guy I caught with heroin who sounds cute when he says ‘pussy’]. I am also still friends with ANDY and though I am tempted when he invites me over to bone, I always decline.

As my life would have it, JACKIE announced that he just moved in with ANDY. He then invited me over for dinner with them tonight, adding, “We’ll hang out and see where you end up.” I laughed nervously and yelled goodbye as I sped down the nearest street.

Get Some Fucking Tomatoes

I had dinner with CAMERON [The possibly-gay man I recently broke up with]. He made one of his amazing meals and I let him do so without taking over. We talked about work, family, and of course our breakup.

Every time we’ve hung out since breaking up, we’ve discussed the break up. The relationship ended somewhat vaguely (blame me for that), and so questions arise when we’re together. A lot of “what if” conversations and “why did you” questions. Eventually, we’re both crying and apologizing and saying “let’s not fight anymore.”

This dinner was no different, but the reconciliation at the end seemed more solid than before. Perhaps the crying and blaming will lessen as time goes by?

Meanwhile, PIZZA [the tv guy] & I have a pact. Whenever I am at the grocery store or cooking or eating anything interesting, I call him. And he does the same. It seems to take away the pressure of when to call, or calling too much. Sometimes the conversations are very brief. The other night I called him up:

ME: I’m at Dominick’s. They’re playing my favorite Abba song.
HIM: What’s in your basket?
ME: Just carrots. I only got here a second ago.
HIM: Get some fucking tomatoes! Bye!